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WHOA THERE.  Don't do anything you might regret, guys.

Dirty Joke Number One

Sex jokes are a very significant thing for small children, I feel, because they're a sort of mystical portal into a mysterious "adult" world. And I can remember the first one I heard, with a group of friends (as told by: Luke. Hi there, even though you're definitely not reading this; I know you're not dead, though, as I'm friends on facebook with you and also your mom and sister). I must've been seven or eight at the time, and it's worth noting that I really had no idea about sex at the time: sure, I'd asked my parents where babies came from and gotten the clinical answer, but, uh...I mean, I guess I got that babies emerged from women, but seriously "the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina and sperm comes out." Great, but I was still totally in the dark about what exactly a "vagina" or "sperm" was. Jeez!

Anyway, this is a pretty darn basic joke. You can find it all over the internet. Here it is: there's a classroom. A boy walks in late and, when questioned as to his whereabouts, replies "I was on top of Blueberry Hill." Repeat this with more boys as often as desired. Finally, a girl comes in and says "Hi! I'm Blueberry Hill!" DO YOU GET IT? I sure as hell didn't, I'll tell you that that much; I couldn't speak for my friends, but we all laughed knowingly, because obviously it was extremely vital that we not be seen as lacking the numinous information that was obviously implicit in this incantation.

I'll tell you, though, I remember very vividly the visual image I had in my head upon hearing this, and that was of poor Blueberry with all these boys successively standing on her shoulders, like a totem pole. I suppose that could potentially develop into an extremely strange fetish, but all it gave me was this anecdote. I guess that's a pretty good joke, when you think about it.

This is not your ordinary RPG!

This graphics are eye-popping, breathtaking, stunning and unbelievable, not to mention incredible. This is no hack-and-slash, rip-your-guts-out fighter! This is the future of RPGs, right here in your hands! With music this good, you won't turn the sound off--you'll turn it up!

No more small elves leading your team! This game contains real, believable figures. You won't be embarrassed to use your own name; you'll be proud. It's just you against six other characters in search of the 7 Sacred Runes. Whoever finds them...Rules the World. It's that simple, that easy. The only problem is you have some enemies, and I don't mean a few. I mean an army of things you've never seem before ready to raise the hair on the back of your neck and take you out with one swing. This is one powerful RPG. Can you handle it?!

Seriously, 7th Saga box: are you okay? Are you having a stroke? Shall I call 911?

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Hell: not-fun for kids of all ages

So think about what Hell is, if you believe in Hell. What's bad about it? Well, the fundamental suffering in Hell, and the only one that matters, is that you know to a certainty that you have been completely abandoned by God. Sure, we talk about tortures and things, but that's an immature way of thinking about it (okay, so a "mature way of thinking about Hell" is an oxymoron, granted; just go with it). That stuff is irrelevant. It's why Mephistopheles declares to Faustus "why this is Hell, nor am I out of it." It doesn't matter that he's not currently being poked by spiky things; he is suffering the torments of Hell as intended.

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Oh, NO! Not Hallmark!!

The latest newsletter from ChickCO brings some extremely old-school homophobia, straight no chaser:

The first thing I have to say: if the flippin' Hallmark Channel--that outfit that people keep on in the background as sonic wallpaper in the knowledge that nothing that's shown is going to be too challenging or require too much attention--had really been serving as some sort of emotional ballast for you...you might want to reexamine your life.  What are you even DOING?

The second thing I have to say: given the number of right-wing goons in power, it would pay not to be TOO complacent about the status of LGBTQ rights.  But what I CAN say is that the forces of regression that ChickCO represent have very definitively lost this particular part of the culture war.  Don't get me wrong; I know there are still redoubts of homophobia throughout the country, and you've gotta fight against them, but mainly you've just gotta roll your eyes at them continuing to babble in 2020 about sinful "alternative lifestyles" &c.  Way to make yourself even less relevant than you ever were, guys.  I'm sure you're gonna win a lot of souls this way.

The third thing I have to say: "David W. Daniels' newest paperback, NEW KING JAMES - THE BRIDGE BIBLE contains over 10 pages detailing how the word "sodomites" was changed to "perverted persons," and "temple prostitutes," etc.  First: OVER TEN PAGES?!?  Slow down there, Proust!  How much free time do you think I have?!  Second: ...seriously, what in white cis-gendered heterosexual male God's name are you babbling about?  If you think your message is so vitally important, maybe you could take a few moments to ensure that it doesn't come across as complete gibberish?  I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

The Worst Thing About Democrats

Don't worry; this isn't going to be a post attacking Kamala Harris. Am I wildly excited about her? Well, no, obviously not. My politics are what they are. But I guess with all the time it took to sink in that we actually chose Biden as a nominee, I've had time to resign myself. Realistically, once we chose him, there was never any chance that there was going to be anyone really exciting to vote for on the ticket, from a left perspective. She's fine for what she is, and I can easily see how she would excite some people. If it matters, which it doesn't, she'll absolutely lay waste to Pence if we have a VP debate this year. Whatever. You know what I think about mainstream Democrats; there's no need to rehash it here.

So I should preface this by saying that I actually think identity politics are very important. You can say that Obama didn't govern in as progressive a way as you'd've liked, but there is something very powerful and important about the cultural message: look, a black President, and it's totally normal and okay. Normalizing that idea is no small thing (of course, it's then somewhat undermined by Republicans deciding, "okay, if you get to elect a black President, then we should get to have a white supremacist"--but you know).

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Weird Chick Tract Fan Fiction

That's the thing about writing a post like the below: how do you go back to silly posts like this one without looking like a crazy person? Do you have to do a few semi-serious posts first to sort of transition neatly back? Let it be known: I'm still mourning, but that doesn't take up all my time, and you still have to do other things, like write this post.

As I think I've said, I don't really read Chick tracts anymore: I'm just not as into reading trash ironically as I was. I think that's good. But I'm still on their mailing list, and as such, I received this extremely bizarre story. It doesn't seem to be available online, so I thought I should give it wider circulation. Here you go:

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