Donald is a pyromaniac.

Seriously:

Most Self-Evident Title Ever

"Study: False Statements Preceded War. I wouldn't believe it if it hadn't been validated by Science!

UPDATE: I must say, I'm somewhat taken aback by the rage that this study is provoking amongst the twenty-eight-percenters. Clearly, I had misunderestimated the depth of their delusions. Mon Dieu.

Interminable duck musings

Interminable duck musings

A cigar is NEVER EVER EVER just a cigar.

You know, the "stories" they published in old Disney comics were really a whole new level of hell--invariably striking out to new frontiers of fatuousness. I'd love to hear an account from one of the anonymous drones they got to write these things. This one is amusing, though, if, like me, you see every goddamn thing as a metaphor.. Goofy: The Average American; plants/fish: A-rabs/Persians; Mickey: A Guy Who Sadly Does Not Exist.

Read along with my students!

Texts

Honoré de Balzac, Père Goriot
Frank Norris, McTeague
Joseph Conrad, The Secret Agent
Edward Lewis Wallant, The Pawnbroker
Romain Gary, The Life Before Us
Yukio Mishima, The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea
Gabriel Garcia Márquez, Collected Novellas

Schedule

Week One
January 15, Introduction
January 17, Père Goriot, Chapter 1 (1-82)

Week Two
January 22, Père Goriot, Chapter 2 (83-149)
January 24, Père Goriot, Chapter 3 (150-206)

Week Three
January 29, Père Goriot, Chapter 4 (207-263)
January 31, McTeague, Chapters 1-6 (1-85)

Week Four
February 5, McTeague, Chapters 7-9 (86-142)
February 7, McTeague, Chapters 10-12 (143-201)

Week Five
February 12, McTeague, Chapters 13-18 (202-276)
February 14, McTeague, Chapters 19-22 (277-347)

Week Six
February 19, The Secret Agent, Chapters 1-4 (3-67)
February 21, The Secret Agent, Chapters 5-7 (68-125)

Week Seven
February 26, The Secret Agent, Chapters 8-10 (126-188)
February 28, The Secret Agent, Chapters 11-13 (189-255)

Week Eight
March 4, Day of Rest
March 6, The Life Before Us, 1-63 First Paper Due

Week Nine
March 11, The Life Before Us, 64-120
March 13, The Life Before Us, 121-182

Spring Break

Week Ten
March 25, The Pawnbroker, Chapters 1-5 (3-72)
March 27, The Pawnbroker, Chapters 6-13 (73-138)

Week Eleven
April 1, The Pawnbroker, Chapters 14-20 (139-203)
April 3, The Pawnbroker, Chapters 21-28 (204-279)

Week 12
April 8, The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea, 3-61
April 10, The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea, 62-106

Week 13
April 15, The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea, 107-181
April 17, No One Writes to the Colonel

Week 14
April 22, Chronicle of a Death Foretold
April 24, Day of Rest

The Final Battle

I think I might have Hillary Derangement Syndrome. In lieu of venting, I will post this notably incoherent tale from my Wasted! Youth!

by GeoX, age nine

“Finally, the throne is mine!” laughed Averoxien as he approached Xurnox, the capital of Planet X.

When he came to the light ring, he entered without hesitation, and found himself in the throne room where he found his agent, Borox, waiting for him.

“There’s a sixty million dollar jackpot waiting for you when you get back,” said Averoxien.

“Yea?” asked Borox from where’s? [illegible]

“Destroying Mercury,” commanded Averoxien, “and bomb Earth while you’re at it!”

So, that night Borox and Auv set off for Mercury. Suddenly an explosion ripped the air, and turning Borox saw the AFJROV president accompanied by Avpone. Auv shot a fireball but missed and the fireball glanced back and hit Borox’s rocket, killing Auv.

Then Borox learned over the radio that Averoxien had been killed by a Saturnese spy. Then he flew back to both planets to which he had been assigned, bombed them, and flew back to Planet X, only to find that he was new Emperor.

Lethal Injection

I think nowadays they recommend counseling for ten-year-olds who write things like this. Actually, they might have done that back then, too.

by GeoX, age ten

Once upon a time, there was a handsome college student, who one day, received a package. Inside was a six pack of hypodermic needles. He would have wondered what it was for, but he had more important things to worry about. His wife was acting weird. She was always receiving math papers, doing them, and mailing them out, along with valentines. This got the handsome college student so angry that he went to Little white cat’s highly addictive alcohol and asked for a bottle of the strongest licour he had. At home, he got his wife so drunk, that he could inject arsenic into her vains, killing her. Then dusted off his own fingerprints and put hers on it, so when the police came, they thout she had comitted suicide!

Hydro: A Deadly Killer

by GeoX, age ten

Introduction

Hello, my name is Hyasynth and I’m the star reporter for the Wet Gazette, and this is the story of probably the most famous Hydra in all history.

1. Leaper

Once upon a time, there was a huge salmon, who would eat as soon as look at you, who lived in a cave, under a large pile of rocks in a river populated by thousands of Hydras. He was tremendously old, and had been around at least four years old. Every year, everyone prayed that he’d never be back, and every year their prayers were left unanswered. The reason they hated him, was that he ate a minimum of triple his weight in hydras each day. He must have weighed 25 pounds, and a hydra weighs only about a quarter ounce! He was called Leaper, because he was known to leap three waterfalls at a time and reach the top in five minues!

2. Hydro

There is not a lot to say about the main character of the story. He is a small hydra who’s name was Hydro and was quite strong. He desperately hated Leaper and often dreamed of slaying him, and when he awoke, he laughed at the thought that he could slay Leaper. “I sure wish that dream would come true!”

3. Total madness

Hydro just about hit the ceiling when he learned that his only son, Hydronious had been eaten by Leaper. He began screaming for the salmon’s blood. Hydronious’s friend Hyde [Hydo?], said that he would be mad to try to kill any salmon let alone Leaper.

But Hydro, maddened by the loss of his son, rushed out the door.

4. the trip

Hydro leaped on a leaf, and began his trip. When he got hungry, he zapped a mosquito hovering above the water, and ate it.

In the morning he continued on. Several days later, he stood at the foot of the cave inside which, he would meet his death, or Leaper his!

5. The Battle

Hydro entered the cave and quickly shot a thread into Leaper, but the fish didn’t even move. Then, Hydro shot his dullest thread into Leaper which aroused the fish. Hydro zipped towards a sharp rock protruding from the wall with the fish after him, and just as he was about to collide, ducked down, but Leaper, unable to stop, fell to the ground, dead.

6. Victory

Back in Hyville, a few days later, Hydro screamed the news all over. Everyone laughed, but the king sent a messenger down to see. When the messenger returned, he stammered out Leap-er is-s-s d-dd-dead!

Conclusion

So that is the story of the most famous Hydra ever.

Admit it.

You may not be a fan of the Democrats, but it's STILL going to be tremendously cathartic to watch Obama (or whoever) stomp the shit out of Huckabee (or whomever) come November. Are we really such hardened cynics that we can't watch this spectacle with the simple, childlike joy it merits?

The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck

The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck

Does this sound vaguely...familiar?

And Mr. Vladimir developed his idea on high, with scorn and condescension, displaying at the same time an amount of ignorance as to the real aims, thoughts, and methods of the revolutionary world which filled the silent Mr. Verloc with inward consternation. He confounded causes with effects more than was excusable; the most distinguished propagandists with impulsive bomb throwers; assumed organization where in the nature of things it could not exist; spoke of the social revolutionary party one moment as of a perfectly disciplined army, where the word of chiefs was supreme, and at another as if it had been the loosest association of desperate brigands that ever camped in a mountain gorge.
--Joseph Conrad, The Secret Agent