Monday, July 31, 2006

...but seriously, would you really want to date someone who found this funny?

So here I have the August issue of Cosmopolitan. Please don't ask me why. Let's take a closer look, shall we? Possibly spanning multiple entries, unless I get bored of the whole concept.

On the from the editor page, the editrix, "Kate White," informs us that for this issue, she got the magazine's "hilariously funny male editors" to "pitch the titles of articles they wish readers were devouring this month." Ms. White further alleges that reading this feature will cause me to "seriously laugh [my] butt off."

And it's very difficult to argue with this claim. But since I fear that the readers of this webblog may be too stupid to understand the extremely sophisticated humor of Cosmopolitan's "funniest male writers," I thought I would help out by reproducing the headlines and painstakingly explaining what exactly it is about then that should cause you to dislodge your buttocks from laughing so hard.

Every Actress in Hollywood pictured topless (including Dame Judi Dench)
You see, Judi Dench is old and therefore presumably unattractive; however, men are so overwhelmingly concupiscent that they don't care whose boobs they're looking at. Actually, the author of this blurb seems not to have totally understood the purpose of the assignment, since said blurb would hypothetically be aimed at a male audience. But never mind that. It's funny, dammit!

"The Expensive French Place? No, Thanks. Let's Go for Wings."...and 11 More Sexy Phrases He's Dying to Hear You Utter
This is funny because it implies that guys are either very cheap, or have extremely plebeian tastes. Possibly both. Also, French people are probably gay.

Videogame Confidential: Your Guy's Defeat of the Zombie Hordes Deserves Celebratory Sex
It's funny because not only are guys horny, but they also like Resident Evil. Get it?

Nail That Promotion! (So He Can Quit His Job)!
Although you might want to be promoted for your own professional growth, in point of fact, "he" only wants you to be promoted so he can quit his job and sponge off of you, sitting on his ass all day playing Resident Evil and expecting to get laid for his efforts. Quite a catch, isn't he?

Cosmo Quiz: Are You Giving It Up to Your Man Enough?
It's funny because men like having sex and thus wish that women's magazines would instruct their audience to put out more often.

The Nasty Thing 40 Percent of Women Won't Do (but Should)
Um...pretty much the same as the last one.

5 New Sex Positions Perfect for the Backseat of Your Car
Because most men are itinerants with no other place to do it? I dunno, man.

Research Irrefutable: Cats Are Useless
Men, being ruthlessly pragmatic creatures in all respects, are enraged by the low utilitarian value of cats. Apparently.

Gilmore Girls Cancelled--Then Sentenced to Death!
Apparently, Gilmore Girls is a show that men dislike, to such an extent that they not only feel it should be cancelled, but also that capital punishment should be visited upon its stars. LOLZHORS.

How to Pay His Bills
This isn't much different from the "Nail That Promotion" one. Apparently, "he" really likes survival horror games.

55 Ways to Convince Yourself He's Worth Sleeping With
It's funny because, in spite of the fact that he is a deeply unpleasant, sleazy person, he wants you to sleep with him without him making any effort at personal improvement. Actually, "appalling" might be a better word.

Real-Life Read: "I Think I Have Enough Shoes Now!" One Woman Awakens from the Matrix
Women have many pairs of shoes. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! LOLOCAUST!!!!11one1

31 Ways to Disrobe More Quickly
Men want women to be nekkid as quickly as possible.

Why Sharing Him With a Friend Will Save Your Relationship
It's funny because it purports to be relationship advice while actually merely catering to a popular male fantasy.

Annual Football Issue: We Break Down the Rules, the Teams, and Why It's More Fun to Watch Than Grey's Anatomy
This is like the Gilmore Girls one, only with another show that men allegedly despise--albeit not enough to wish death upon the cast. Also: men like sports, whereas women do not. Am I right, fellas?

Bikinis! They're not just for Summer Anymore
This apparent fashion advice is in fact designed to help men ogle more scantily-clad women.

Spring-Break Diary of a Cheerleader Gone Wild
Men imagine that a "cheerleader gone wild" would be engaging in numerous pornographic exploits; little do they know that for this particular cheerleader, "going wild" rather entails staying up as late as nine o'clock reading scandalous gothic romances! Shocking!

Relationship Communication Breakthrough: Making Out Naked Is the New "Talking"
It's funny because men are such socially maladroit troglodytes that they are unable to conduct, and have no interest in conducting, an intelligent conversation with their significant others. Ha ha. Seriously, I almost DIED from CONVULSIVE LAUGHTER there. I'm sorry, is my genuine annoyance at the utter fucking fatuousness of this magazine seeping through the protective layer of detached irony? Sorry. I'll work on that.


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