Fucking Duck
Yes, Mallard Motherfucking Fillmore. Oddly enough, I rarely if ever read the Duck's thrillingly didactic adventures, and when I browsed through the last few weeks, I felt more inclined to shriek obscenities than be amusingly sarcastic. Yeah, so what's new? More on this later, maybe. For now, be satisfied wtih the most amusing questions from focus on the family's FAQ list.
#31: "Did any of the Columbia astronauts profess to be Christians?" You know--so we can know whether we should envision them swanning around in the clouds with harps or getting deepfried in the lake of fire. These things are important.
#53: "Do you have information about homosexuality on your site?" By Jove, I don't think we do! Thank you so much for the splendid suggestion!
#68: "Why do my spouse and I never talk anymore?" Because years of passive-aggressive needling have eroded your marriage to the point where you're both subconsciously worried that any little interaction could trigger an outbreak of explosive violence. Duh.
#79: "Should a child be spanked with a hand or some other object?" Our experts recommend a leather whip or cat o' nine tails for the most Biblically-correct scourgings.
#127: "On what part of the body would you administer a spanking?" Not even going to touch this one.
#155: "Why have so many parents forgotten the commonsense approach to child rearing?" Because the ominous euphemism scared them all off?
#187: "What can I do about the problem of pornography in my community and/or on my computer?" Why, how did those carefully-organized sets of pictures and videos invade the sanctity of my computer? Obviously, it's the secular humanists' fault. Values.
#214: "Is there hope for families of alcoholics?" Nope, you're pretty much fucked. What else is there to say?
#237: "In what direction is the pornography industry moving these days?" ...just out of, you know, idle curiosity. Do they still have hot girl-on-girl action? How about those interracial gangbangs I've heard so much about?
#253: "What is the best approach to disciplining a 1-year-old?" Well, you're never too young for unspeakable violence!
#270: "How can Christians cheat on their spouses?" As with child rearing, we generally recommend the commonsense approach: business trips, cheap motel rooms, and flimsly excuses. Or else someone needs a little lesson in deontic vs. epistemic.
#273: "How do I respond to my sassy 16-year-old daughter?" And, you know, speaking of pornography, how about that little incest fantasy I've been having?
#284: "How can I stay on the same wavelength as my teen?" Pepper your language with words like "tubular" and "gnarly" and "cowabunga." That way your child will know that you are a totally radical dude who is "with it to the max!"
#323 "Should parents with abusive tendencies avoid corporal punishment?" No--under these circumstances, it would be better to take our your aggression with the incest fantasy.
#338 "How does the Electoral College work?" There's no end to your demands, is there? 'How do I operate my toaster?' 'What's that wet stuff that comes down from the sky?' 'Should I stick my head in the oven?' Focus on the Family is not your mother. Figure it out for yourself!
#353: "Should I spank my child when he wets the bed?" Your obsession with spanking is becoming obsessive and disturbing. There are helpful books and videos you can get if you're really into this sort of thing, you know. You don't need to take it out on your children.
#363: "Has there been a significant change in the health of children?" Listen, just because YOUR children are "mysteriously" testing positive for herpes...
#372: "Is there an age when you begin to spank?" Really champing at the bit there, aren't you, tiger?
#379: "Are all forms of child abuse illegal?" Um, purely hypothetically, of course.
#389: "What does Dr. Dobson think about interracial dating and marriage?" Dr. Dobson has moved on to more socially-acceptable forms of bigotry. But he's glad to know you're still thinking about these things!
#405: "How does Dr. Dobson feel about the role-playing game "Dungeons and Dragons"?" Jeez, what is this, 1982? Don't you have newer social artifacts to pin your insecurities on?
#408: "What do you think about date rape when a girl has given a guy the come-on?" Uh, and do you have attorneys on staff? I swear, the bitch was totally asking for it!
#412: "How should I reprimand my 2-year-old for being noisy in church?" It's true what they say: When your only tool is a metal scourge, every problem looks like a disobedient child."
#451: "What are the prospects for the very pretty or handsome child?" We're afraid that pimping is still illegal in the United States, but we appreciate your Christ-like ingenuity.
#483: "Should parents show respect for their children?" Indeed--and everyone knows that the path to respect lies through constant numbing violence.
#571: "What is Pokemon, and what does Focus think of it?" All right then! I guess it isn't necessary to ditch the old scapegoats--you can just stack the new ones on top! Cheers, guys!
#584: "Why are kids drawn to teachers who are disciplinarians?" You're confusing real life with your sexual fantasies again. You've really gotta work on that.
#608: "Can I donate a car to Focus on the Family?" Why do I suspect that this is not a frequently asked question? Or an asked question, period?
#615: "Where is the raspberry cake recipe?" What happened? Where am I? Who am I? Who are all these strange people around me? What is this?
#31: "Did any of the Columbia astronauts profess to be Christians?" You know--so we can know whether we should envision them swanning around in the clouds with harps or getting deepfried in the lake of fire. These things are important.
#53: "Do you have information about homosexuality on your site?" By Jove, I don't think we do! Thank you so much for the splendid suggestion!
#68: "Why do my spouse and I never talk anymore?" Because years of passive-aggressive needling have eroded your marriage to the point where you're both subconsciously worried that any little interaction could trigger an outbreak of explosive violence. Duh.
#79: "Should a child be spanked with a hand or some other object?" Our experts recommend a leather whip or cat o' nine tails for the most Biblically-correct scourgings.
#127: "On what part of the body would you administer a spanking?" Not even going to touch this one.
#155: "Why have so many parents forgotten the commonsense approach to child rearing?" Because the ominous euphemism scared them all off?
#187: "What can I do about the problem of pornography in my community and/or on my computer?" Why, how did those carefully-organized sets of pictures and videos invade the sanctity of my computer? Obviously, it's the secular humanists' fault. Values.
#214: "Is there hope for families of alcoholics?" Nope, you're pretty much fucked. What else is there to say?
#237: "In what direction is the pornography industry moving these days?" ...just out of, you know, idle curiosity. Do they still have hot girl-on-girl action? How about those interracial gangbangs I've heard so much about?
#253: "What is the best approach to disciplining a 1-year-old?" Well, you're never too young for unspeakable violence!
#270: "How can Christians cheat on their spouses?" As with child rearing, we generally recommend the commonsense approach: business trips, cheap motel rooms, and flimsly excuses. Or else someone needs a little lesson in deontic vs. epistemic.
#273: "How do I respond to my sassy 16-year-old daughter?" And, you know, speaking of pornography, how about that little incest fantasy I've been having?
#284: "How can I stay on the same wavelength as my teen?" Pepper your language with words like "tubular" and "gnarly" and "cowabunga." That way your child will know that you are a totally radical dude who is "with it to the max!"
#323 "Should parents with abusive tendencies avoid corporal punishment?" No--under these circumstances, it would be better to take our your aggression with the incest fantasy.
#338 "How does the Electoral College work?" There's no end to your demands, is there? 'How do I operate my toaster?' 'What's that wet stuff that comes down from the sky?' 'Should I stick my head in the oven?' Focus on the Family is not your mother. Figure it out for yourself!
#353: "Should I spank my child when he wets the bed?" Your obsession with spanking is becoming obsessive and disturbing. There are helpful books and videos you can get if you're really into this sort of thing, you know. You don't need to take it out on your children.
#363: "Has there been a significant change in the health of children?" Listen, just because YOUR children are "mysteriously" testing positive for herpes...
#372: "Is there an age when you begin to spank?" Really champing at the bit there, aren't you, tiger?
#379: "Are all forms of child abuse illegal?" Um, purely hypothetically, of course.
#389: "What does Dr. Dobson think about interracial dating and marriage?" Dr. Dobson has moved on to more socially-acceptable forms of bigotry. But he's glad to know you're still thinking about these things!
#405: "How does Dr. Dobson feel about the role-playing game "Dungeons and Dragons"?" Jeez, what is this, 1982? Don't you have newer social artifacts to pin your insecurities on?
#408: "What do you think about date rape when a girl has given a guy the come-on?" Uh, and do you have attorneys on staff? I swear, the bitch was totally asking for it!
#412: "How should I reprimand my 2-year-old for being noisy in church?" It's true what they say: When your only tool is a metal scourge, every problem looks like a disobedient child."
#451: "What are the prospects for the very pretty or handsome child?" We're afraid that pimping is still illegal in the United States, but we appreciate your Christ-like ingenuity.
#483: "Should parents show respect for their children?" Indeed--and everyone knows that the path to respect lies through constant numbing violence.
#571: "What is Pokemon, and what does Focus think of it?" All right then! I guess it isn't necessary to ditch the old scapegoats--you can just stack the new ones on top! Cheers, guys!
#584: "Why are kids drawn to teachers who are disciplinarians?" You're confusing real life with your sexual fantasies again. You've really gotta work on that.
#608: "Can I donate a car to Focus on the Family?" Why do I suspect that this is not a frequently asked question? Or an asked question, period?
#615: "Where is the raspberry cake recipe?" What happened? Where am I? Who am I? Who are all these strange people around me? What is this?
posted by GeoX, one of the GeoX boys. at 1:51 AM
