Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Low-Hanging Fruit Dept.

This nonsense coming from the May 1989 issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly... 
1988 was a fucking mind-blowing year, what with the rolling machines causing Nintendo to get cement all over everything and computers ferociously exploding all over the place.  However, there was also a DARK SIDE.  It simply IS NOT POSSIBLE for me to stress sufficiently the extent to which nothing in this world or any other could have prepared us for the shortage of Double Dragons and the verisimilitude-challenged delays in products.  And don't even get me started about all those goddamn fuckass new companies that forced us to tolerate their existence.  In conclusion, 1988, although an incredible year, is a nightmare from which we're only just barely starting to awaken.  If 1989 can manage to be even half the year 1988 was, we're in for a treat!
You may assume that, what with everyone condescending to roads all the time, there's nothing more to be done.  You may be surprised to learn, however, that Visionaries are thinking beyond the IBM compatible!  All eyes are on Japan, except the ones that are on Europe.  Also, everyone's excited about the advanced game system that everyone hates.  Problem is, someone's spilled interest all over it, gumming up the works.  That stuff never comes out.
 We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.  And remember my friends: future events such as these will affect you in the future.  Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space!

God help us--in the future.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous pontificated to the effect that...

Someone ought to do a comprehensive study of the rhetorical style of game journalism of the 90s. It had a certain amateurish excitement-in-the-treehouse aspect that could be charming, but also, as we see here, pretty inept.

I have to say, though, whoever was working for Nintendo Power circa 1994 genuinely knew how to write. I guess it's a pretty tough job to constantly come up with new ways to describe fundamentally repetitive activities (such as "press B to shoot aliens") and still make them sound exciting.

SK

1:37 PM  
Blogger Faster, Harder, More Challenging GeoX pontificated to the effect that...

That's interesting. I did read Nintendo Power back then (or at least a few years later), but I paid little attention to it stylistically. My engagement when no further than "man, Secret of Evermore is gonna be SO AWESOME!"

4:17 PM  

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