Sunday, August 09, 2020

Weird Chick Tract Fan Fiction

That's the thing about writing a post like the below: how do you go back to silly posts like this one without looking like a crazy person? Do you have to do a few semi-serious posts first to sort of transition neatly back? Let it be known: I'm still mourning, but that doesn't take up all my time, and you still have to do other things, like write this post.

As I think I've said, I don't really read Chick tracts anymore: I'm just not as into reading trash ironically as I was. I think that's good. But I'm still on their mailing list, and as such, I received this extremely bizarre story. It doesn't seem to be available online, so I thought I should give it wider circulation. Here you go:

The Bullet Didn’t Stop the
Tract from Doing Its Job

The following letter was received by Rev. Alan Woody from a student in a high school where he had shared the gospel. Rev. Woody's tract ministry is called Mission Possible.


Dear Rev. Alan,

When I was 16 years old, I fell in love with a girl a little younger than myself. We began to date until her parents saw how serious I was getting, so they told her that we would have to break up. We did, but then she started going out with a good friend of mine and that really got the best of me.

I Found a Pistol

One evening after school when I was at home alone, I decided to take my life. I tore up Mom and Dad's room looking for a gun. I found a pistol, but that was not what I wanted. I kept searching until I found a shot gun that had three shells in it. I rigged it to where I could lay down on the bed and pull the trigger with a wire attached to my foot.

A Goodbye Note

I wrote my parents, my brother and two sisters a goodbye note and got all set to blow myself to pieces. All at once the phone started ringing and when I stretched to pick up the receiver I pulled the trigger and the gun went off, but it had swung out of position and the blast missed me and hit the mirror on my dresser.

The caller was the girl that I mentioned in the beginning. She said that she had a feeling that something was wrong. I told her that I was going to kill myself and to prove that I meant business I got the gun loose and fired one shot through the side of the house trailer and another one toward the door.

Now Out of Ammo, I Had Another Idea

So, now out of shells, I remembered the pistol. I hung up the phone and got the pistol out of the closet. It had four bullets in it. I put the barrel to my head and pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. Then I pointed it at my schoolbooks laying on the floor in the hall and shot them square in the middle. Notebook paper flew all over the place!

I put the barrel in my mouth and started to pull the trigger when the phone rang again. This time it was my buddy who had taken my girl. I told him what I was going to do, and he started crying. I hung up on him.

Still Nothing

I heard a car pull up outside and I quickly pointed the gun at my heart and squeezed the trigger, but nothing happened. That was the worst feeling. I got really shaky and pulled the trigger again, but the gun did not fire. I fell down on the floor and started screaming and crying.

Suddenly someone touched me. It was my best friend's Mom. She wrapped her arms around me and said almost the same words that you told us in the classroom.

She said, "You are a very important person. You've got a specific purpose in this world. You were created by God Almighty, in His Own image and He has a plan for your life." Then I began to think about the film you showed us about Raul Reese (Reis), FURY TO FREEDOM.

I Saw the Little Booklets You Gave Out

I attempted to straighten up the trailer as best I could and as I picked up the books and paper on the floor, I saw the little booklets (Chick Tracts) you gave out at school. The force of the bullet had blown them out of my study books.

I began to read them like they were the greatest things on earth. Then God began to awaken me and I thought about how the guy got saved in the movie, so I went into the living room and turned the television on and knelt in front of it still holding on to those little tracts. There was no preacher on TV like there was in the film, but God was in the room with me. I could feel His presence in an awesome way.

When I Turned Loose —He took over!

I read through one of the tracts and on the back page it said, "Pray to God in your own words" and I did! I really began to pray and ask Him to forgive me for all my sins, then I begged Him to take control of my life and when I turned loose, He took over. Wow. (That's new Christian talk for Wonder of Wonders)

She stayed with me for a while, but then she had to leave and as she left, she took both guns with her. Then the front door burst open and in rushed my Mom, the Sheriff’s Department and the Fire Department. They all turned out to celebrate my new birth! Ha!

I’m Still Telling It

As I showed them the booklets, I noticed that the bullet had gone through the red heart on the one entitled A LOVE STORY. I began to tell them the story written inside and now, as I write this letter to you, several months have gone by and I'm still telling it! I told it to my brother and sisters so many times that they, all three of them, have been born again!

I got a job after school and worked really hard and paid every dime it cost to repair the trailer. One day, I plan to buy my parents a brand new one. Mom and Dad said that it was alright for me to write you this letter, but they didn't want me to put my name and address on it, so I won't.

I may never see you again in this world, Brother Alan, but I will see you in Heaven. You will recognize me because I'll be carrying the little LOVE STORY booklet with a hole in it!

Oh yeah, I did not get the girl back. Jesus showed me that He had some other plans for me and He would take care of everything!

God Bless You, Preacher Man

God bless you forever, Preacher Man. Keep going into the schools. Keep telling the students they are worth something. They love to hear it. I did! It saved my life and helped save my soul!

Also, tell them this for me: don't try the stupid trick that I did with the guns. It may not happen like it did for me. It may cost them their life before they ever discover how precious it is —and how Great God Is!

Love Always, A Grateful Friend and Brother

See you in Heaven!!

• • •

So there you go. Of course, it's obvious that this is one hundred percent fiction, but for the record, if I had to guess, I'd say that it's sincere fiction. That is, I doubt that it comes from someone who was just trying to fuck with ChickCo. The clumsy writing and really strange details (staggering around the trailer looking for the right gun? His best friend's mother appearing for no apparent reason?) seem like exactly the sort of thing you find in "inspirational" stories like this. Whether it was sent in or concocted by someone at ChickCo, I can't say, but I suspect that the justification was something like, okay, sure, it didn't, technically speaking, happen, but it's still emotionally and/or spiritually true. Honestly, I find it more charming in its ineptitude than anything else. Not hateful in the way that so many Chick tracts are, at any rate.

4 Comments:

Blogger Pan Miluś pontificated to the effect that...

Ah, for a moment I asumed *You* wrote your onw Chik Tract fan fiction. That would be the day!

Speaking as a man of God... I mean I heared some inspiration stories in my life which waren't far off from this one and where told by people I trust who sincerity belived it happend. I hope it dosen't change your opinion about me in anyway but I'm able to put in faith he wasn't lying.

Let's play the devil advocate here : What if it more or less happend (only the guy made the details tad more colorful) - a man was trying to kill himself, it didn't work and then he found some Chick Tracks and it made him feel better and decided to keep on living. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

But yhe, asuming it's all fiction it's still felt like a sweet story and I prefer it beyond some Chicktrackian punch-line that he went back into worshiping Christ but then after he died he still went to hell anyway cose he was secretly gay or baptised Catholic or had a tattoo or voted for Obama ten years ago or masterbuted once (also ten years ago) or something.

On a lighter note - I had this insane idea once to publish 100% harmless childreen book but then end it with sentence "And they lived happy ever after and after they died they where still happy as they went to heaven" just so fuck with people and see the reactions (Just cose I'm a Christian that dosen't mean I can't have twisted ideas!)

7:46 AM  
Blogger GeoX, who is here to stay, like it or not. pontificated to the effect that...

No, I can't agree with you there. I call this "mostly harmless," and sure it is by ChickCo standards, but let's not get carried away: it's also childish nonsense. A good conversion story can indeed be powerful, but this is not exactly Quo Vadis. And really, considering the insane lies they're happy to tell about Catholics, Muslims, Mormons, Jews, gays, everyone, I'm not sure why you'd take this one at face value.

2:27 PM  
Blogger Pan Miluś pontificated to the effect that...

I mean I asumed from the context you wrote it's a letter writen by a fan but maybe I'm missing something. But I trust you much more so if you say it's a clear fabrication then I'm sure you are right.

Maybe I'm just to naive and to easly buy into this type of stuff.

4:50 PM  
Blogger GeoX, who is here to stay, like it or not. pontificated to the effect that...

I mean, they certainly claim it's a letter from a fan. Whether that's true or not, I can't say.

5:17 PM  

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