Thursday, November 29, 2007

Student Wisdom

"I think it is completely wrong to judge people based on their color, race, views, or name. It is similar to looking at a book cover. The cover of a book may just have a bunch of lines on it, but on the inside of the book it is full with facts about how lines are formed or what creates a line. People never know what is inside some ones sole or heart just by looking at the person himself or herself. They should get to know a little about them, even if they hate them and would not want even hear their name. It's like the story of when a father who had a boy died, but before he died, the boy drew a picture. The father decided that he would put the picture for sale at an auction. The picture went for one dollar and old lady bought the picture just for the kindness of her hear and when she received the picture, on the back of it, there was a letter saying that if you were kind enough to take the time to learn about my son, they I should give my house to you. The old lady was now the owner of a multi million dollar home because she took the time and wanted to know about the father's son. Learning about other's can and will come in a reward."

(possibly channeling David Brent?)

Monday, November 19, 2007

In today's Mallard Fillmore news...

The Tinz accuses Stephen Colbert of not being funny. Words fail.

UPDATE: Not that Colbert needs my help or anything, but it had to be done:

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Poetry Korner

Here's something good from the album Traineater, by Book of Knots.


What she used to like she was starting to hate
She used to like molten glass poured into the big, industrial vat
When she visited him she'd see the molten glass
And the fountaining sparks
This was how they made glass
This was the red-hot center of the industry
And there were all these people doing it
And what they did was they guided this liquid into the molds
And waited for it to cool
The molds and the colors were all designed by rich ladies in the suburbs
But everyone in town had a set of the juice glasses
She used to like the museum and its neglected glass exhibits
When you were a teenager it was a good place for heavy petting
Now she was starting to hate it
She used to like that there was just the one ice cream place
and you had to drive twenty minutes to get there
And in summer you knew everyone in the line
You knew them from church or 4-H or what have you
Half the fun was standing in line
The only choices were vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry
She used to like it but now she kinda hated it
Downtown there were nothing but strip clubs
She used to like that her husband still had a yen for the feminine things
Once she went along with him but she felt bad afterwards
And now she hated all of it
She hated desperation and credit cards
She hated drunkenness
She hated guys who were shoving their last twenty-dollar bill
Into the g-string of a girl with too many kids
She used to like the steady living
From the Hewitt-Smithson manufacturers of consumer glass
There was insurance and daycare
But now the plant was closed
She had a friend working fast food
Maybe she had two of these friends
She used to like fast food but she was starting to hate it
Olestra and diabetes and obesity
She used to like her kids
She used to like taking them to the same rusty swingset
Where everyone took their kids
Concussion park they used to call it
But now her kids just told her to fuck off or called her a bitch
And they blamed her for all the stuff she in turn blamed on the world
She used to like the cable dial the ninety-seven stations
But now it was all cubic zirconium filigree
And people eating rats for the million-dollar prize money
Or it was ministers trying to tell the people who got laid off
That they should love Jesus
Give Jesus your unemployment check
She used to love Jesus
But all Jesus did was build a stadium in a rusty town
For a minor league franchise that always lost
She used to love the hawks circling over the squashed squirrels on the highway
But the hawks were gone
She used to love a drink
But now the drink didn't do what it was supposed to do
She used to love to fall asleep
She used to love the roller coasters at the amusement park
She'd been in love once
But now love and disappointment were next-door neighbors
When he interviewed at Hewitt-Smithson her husband
It was because everyone knew someone at the plant
They watched the molten glass spilling into the big industrial vat
Like it was a waterfall
They all got married beside this waterfall
The waterfall of Hewitt-Smithson
And someone threw a bouquet
The plant manager threw them a bouquet
The future was their bouquet
Or the future was their oyster
And their oyster had a pearl
And the pearl was the future
Or it was the company
And the town
And the friends
And the church
And the kids
And the school system
But if that bouquet came flying toward her now
She'd be sure to duck

Questionable Literary Parallels (QLP)

"Sometimes the weak become strong and nothing ever goes the way you think it is going to. It's just like the Good Country People story how the so called "bible salesman" turns out to be the bad guy in the end, except for instead of Horus stealing a leg he gets bit in the foot and dies."

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Them songs what comed up randomly

I like this list because it's not particularly characteristic.

01. They Might Be Giants, "Put Your Hand inside the Puppet's Head"
Nervous pop with dada-y lyrics. HOW YOU NOT LIKE???! 8/10

02. Johnny Cash, "The Running Kind"
I ask you: did this REALLY need harmonies from Tom Petty? I'm gonna say no. But I guess that's nitpicking; it's a strong C&W thing anyway. Hell, it's Cash. 8/10

03. Steeleye Span, "Betsy Bell and Mary Gray"
Spoiler: they both get the plague and die. This is the best thing from Tempted and Tried. Strongly evokes the classic seventies Span, which you can't say for much of their latter-day material. 9/10

04. Tarantella, "Dame Fuego"
Epic little Denver/South America alt-countryish thing with Morricone twang. Not their greatest moment, but still: who could ask for anything more? 7/10

05. Suede, "Killer"
An "Electricity" b-side. Kind of exactly what you'd expect from a Head Music-era song of that name. I like it well enough, but it's pretty clear that they were on autopilot by this point. 6/10

06. Jethro Tull, "Mother Goose"
Super-cool thing on the folk side. What has this to do with the aqualung theme? Who knows. Who cares? 9/10

07. Blood or Whiskey, "Keep the Baby"
Drunken lunkheadedness from the world's least sensitive Irish punks. Some people would call it misogynist, but I don't think it's that so much as just generally irresponsible. As to whether or not it counts as a celebration thereof, I will not speculate. 7/10

08. Pandora's Box, "My Little Red Book"
Jim Steinman invention covers Bacarach and David? Why not? Um...would you like an itemized list? It probably goes without saying that this is incredibly tasteless. You really need the Steinman songwriting if you want the Steinman effect. I still sort of like it, though. Because I have bad taste, probably. 5/10

09. Dexys Midnight Runners, "Jackie Wilson Said"
As featured in The Young Ones. Strong and energetic. 7/10

10. David Bowie, "1984"
Who could ask for more? A chilling if somewhat incoherent vision of teh dystopian futurez. 8/10

Best Student Essay Response Ever

"I cannot express in words how long this story is."

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

New Chick Tract!

Here. There's nothing all THAT special about it, but I think it has a kind of low-key charm. I really dig all the little demons coming and going every whichway, and I LOVE the demon with reading glasses towards the end.

Other observations:

"People who think [America] is there [in the Bible] are only guessing!" Then, three panels later, we're directed to Bible verses that allegedly talk about the United Nations. Huh.

Is this the first mention of the rapture in a Chick tract? I think ChickCo is a little late trying to jump on the Left Behind bandwagon.

How come evangelicals NEVER give me Chick tracts, dammit? I CONSTANTLY get these lame little text-only things about how I need to accept Jesus to avoid hell, but NEVER the real deal. How the hell am I supposed to escape damnation like this?


Monday, November 05, 2007

Reading the following link will NOT do much for your faith in humanity.

You have been warned. You TRY to convince yourself that "on the other side" is not the same thing as "evil," but lord knows some days it's hard.