Miscellaneous Chick Tract Bullshit

Am I just noticing things I haven't in the past, or is this new Chick tract even weirder than usual?
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New Zombie-Oriented Chick Tract

CF.

But alas, it's only a dream--oh Jack, you shameless tease.



Actually, it turns out they're the dreaded Metaphor Zombies. You know THAT guy's a blast at parties.

Also featuring this awesome bit of theology:



I dunno...that sounds at least ghost-ish. I don't think "inability to sit on thrones" is what most people really associate with ghosts.

Another tract where I'm not wholly certain someone's not fucking with us.

New Chick Tract

A Halloween special! Not as adorable as "First Blood," but it DOES feature a cute little demon named "Stinky" who has a great Halloween.



I sometimes have the sneaking suspicion that the Chickster is keenly aware of the potential for high camp in his work and can't resist flirting with these impulses a little.

Jack Chick has betrayed us all.

So I wrote a post about this new Chick tract. It was a long and irritated post, and the main point of it was to lacerate ChickCo for completely fucking selling out. The central thesis was that they might be nutjobs, but there was no evidence until now that they were cynical nutjobs. If they got popular support, great; but it they didn't, it didn't matter--come hell or high water, they were gonna bring you the TRUTH about Papacy, Buddhism, Hinduism, Mormonism, Islam, Animism, gayness, Halloween, Dungeons and Dragons, and Devil Music, and if you didn't like it, tough shit--they knew what was right and what was wrong and they weren't gonna make any special effort to be more appealing to the likes of you.

And then we have THIS embarrassment, in which the actual Christ-y aspect takes second place to ranting about "socialism," and in which the paranoid fever dreams of teabagging Glenn Beck fans are cravenly pandered to. I compared it to "The Last Generation," which features an insane endtimes scenario that is actually in keeping with the general ChickCo philosophy, and I noted that I had never before seen a tract--that I can recall--in which the putative Christians actually resorted to violence and this was represented as a good thing, which I had to admit was actually kind of admirable. I also noted that they appeared to be fighting and dying in the name of capitalism rather than Christ, which would seem to rather defeat the point. For all their faults, I honestly never thought of the Chickster as worshipping supply-side-Jesus.

There's nothing wrong with trying to reach different demographics, I noted, but when the central message is completely distorted and basically sold out to do so--well, then you have a problem. I concluded by noting that, to my great surprise, I was actually, genuinely disappointed with ChickCo. In spite of the fact that I always read their shit ironically, apparently I had, without knowing it, developed a degree of respect for their warped integrity, which was now utterly shattered.

Then, I looked again and saw that "The Poor Revolutionist" was listed as being re-released, rather than new. Then, I did a little googling and found that it was originally released in 1972, making it one of the earliest tracts. Then, I got REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED because, bam, there went my entire thesis.

Still, it is interesting to note the extent to which our fringey rhetoric is the same as it's ever been. All the talking points feel like perfectly contemporary wingnuttery. Even the fact that the evil communorevolutionists are longhairs doesn't seem out of place, since our culture warriors are still, tiresomely, stuck in the sixties (note their bizarre fixation with Saul Alinsky, a man who died--how's this for a gruesome confluence?--the same year this tract came out).

Of course, the pandering to which I referred isn't completely irrelevant--it's pretty obvious that the reason the tract's being rereleased now is entirely because the rhetoric is such a perfect fit for our teabagging friends. Personally, I think I would not want to publicize the fact that I had written a dire warning about something that never even came slightly close to happening--but I guess the crazy can't be entirely eliminated from the equation. Still seems like a bad move, however. If this had been left in the dim recesses of the past, you could overlook its unfortunate tone by suggesting, plausibly, that Jack hadn't really found his voice yet. This is also undermined by, uh, stuff like this:



Jew could possibly be in charge of this revolution? I just can't figure it out! Anti-semitism is surprisingly rare in Chick tracts, given that anti-everything-else is all the fuck OVER the place, but this is pretty much right in the open. Could be another sign of nothing more than immaturity. I suppose if this were written today, this dude would be made into one of those dreaded Sons of Mahomet, and they'd be trying to inflict Islamocommunism on the country, which, as we all know, is the worst kind.

But whatever the case, fuck, man--they rereleased the goddamn thing. So they have to stand by it.

Still, look on the bright side: if it hadn't been, we would have been denied the deathless line "Oh man, this is awesome! He's killing his own brother!" accompanied by the stylings of the dreaded Folksinger. What are they up to, with those suspiciously acoustic guitars?

New Chick Tract

It's sort of interesting because it shows us features of the workings of Hell that have been heretofore mysterious. I'd like actual scriptural citations for this shit, personally. But that is not the point. No, my only point is that this tract features Heihachi in Hell.



That is all.

New Chick Tract, yo.

I kinda like it.



Yes, this happens ALL THE TIME. Actually, there might be an interesting novel or short story in this, slightly modified.

Is Jack Chick just in it for the money?

So there's this book, Hot Topics, which compiles six klassic trakts along with commentary and stuff. I kinda badly want it, but I kinda badly don't want to give money to ChickCo. So it's a dilemma. But that is not my point. My point is:

Home Alone - not available anywhere else!
This book also contains one new story that is not being released in tract form: HOME ALONE. It is an emotional message against homosexuality and child abuse. The interview and research on the pages that follow show the shocking plans of the homosexual activists who are determined to have your children. The chart showing the current age of consent in many major nations is proof that these people are making real progress to get our children, and will stop at nothing.

As you can imagine, I'm extremely interested in the homosexual agenda to abuse children, but this raises troubling questions: "not available anywhere else?" Where's the logic behind that? You can't hand it out if it's printed in a book, and partisans are probably already comfortably on board the God Hates Fags train, so what good is it? One would almost kinda think that, rather than evangelizing to non-believers, ChickCo was trying to make a buck by marketing themselves to insufferably ironic Chick connoisseurs like me. Jack, I call on you to prove this scurrilous accusation wrong by sending me a free copy of your book!

New Chick Tract!

In spite of the awesomeness of the above image, it is generally at best, shall we say, workmanlike. Not super-inspired. We do however learn that eating disorders are caused by Satan, which is certainly a good thing to know.

Classic Chick Tract

I'm ashamed. Earlier, I accused Jack Chick of being late to the Left Behind bandwagon, but I obviously have not studied the Gospel According to Jack closely enough, because if I had, I would have remembered The Last Generation, a gem from 1992. The Chickster was down with the rapture well before LaHaye and Jenkins. I should never have doubted him.

And it really is a gem of a tract. There is literally nothing about it that is not totally awesome. Bobby-the-Hitler-Youth's teacher instructing kids to sacrifice adorable puppies and kitties is obviously the high point, but the bizarre Spanish-Inquisition-Superhero is a close second.

Really, though, you can't totally blame Bobby for his behavior--after all, "the kids call him slime because his @!!!**! parents are still married. Rest assured, this happens ALL THE TIME. Just like how in the army, if you believe in Jesus, your sergeant tells you to "knock off this shit about religion right now or you're a dead man!" GOOD GOD, I love Jack Chick!

You may think ALL Chick Tracts are unsubtle, but this is really the ne plus ultra. And the weird, semi-realistic art style brings it on home. This is really the man at his prime.

New Chick Tract!

Man, so much for the warmer, fuzzier Jack Chick. Hurricanes are caused by insufficient fealty to Israel, it turns out. Also, Islam sucks, etc. I'm a little confused, though. Dude claims that "it's because of what we did to Israel today that this happened." Is there some current-events context for this that I'm missing? Because the cause-and-effect model here seems singularly bizarre, even by Chick standards. How do we know that god isn't sending the hurricanes because he's pissed off about gayness? Or abortion? Or evolution? Or President-Elect B. Hussein Obama? Chickgod IS a pretty temperamental sumbitch, after all. To just automatically assume it's all about Israel seems crazy in a way that goes beyond normal Chick-craziness. It's a particularly vivid illustration of what one sees as one looks through the Chick ouevre: the worldview evinced therein is not particularly unified or coherent. Also, protip: in spite of what you may read in evangelical comix, the power of prayer is not going to be sufficient hurricane preparation. I hope to god no one's deranged enough to take this additional layer of nuttiness seriously.

New Chick Tract!

First Blood. Early Halloween preparations. And I never thought I'd say this, but: I find it completely charming. It's goofy, funny, cute, and not hateful. I want it to be made into a major motion picture. Igor and Faith make SUCH a cute couple. I also love Satan's blasé attitude in the second-last panel. I'm not sure if making The Adversary into an appealing character is a good rhetorical choice, but I like it. The bad guys in general are pretty benign. More wacky and bumbling than evil. The artist is obviously an old stand-by, but I have to think ChickCo has gotten itself a new writer, and I approve.

New Chick Tract!

Moving on Up! It may not be all that original, but it's pretty hard to beat for sheer humor value. There are so many awesome things here...well, three things, mainly, but they all rule:

1. The picture of the mother in the third panel: we must always believe what scientists say. Others claim to know, but they are the only ones who guide us." The expression of religious rapture on her face really sells it.

2. The idiosyncratic overview of the evolutionary process, especially about "how "the greatest event of all time" was when "we lost our tails," suggesting that ChickCo may be confusing evolution with Dragon Ball Z.

3. The bizarre characterization of Tyler, whose responses to his mother's explanations are so credulous as to sound sarcastic more than anything else. Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter, you expect to hear him say. The absolute best thing, of course, is this:



Hell yes.

New Chick Tract.

OH BOY. The art's ugly as sin and It's pretty crazy in general, but also kind of instructive. You might note that--as far as I can remember--this is the only tract in which nobody involved seems to be thinking about Jesus at all--all there is is the awkward segue into the usual proselytizing at the end. But instead, we get ALLEGORY! OH BOY. Too bad it had to be such incredibly LAME allegory, but whaddaya want?

It breaks down pretty fast. It may have come pre-broken, actually. Firstly, if the son is Jesus, he's a pretty peripheral Jesus: oh boy; he's driving you to the hospital. You could've taken a cab, and you would have gotten there faster, too, what with not having the crash and all. It's a pretty big stretch to say that he died for the patient. Secondly, if the seedy-looking janitor's meant to be Satan, he once again does a pretty poor job of it. Who's going to throw his life away based on the vague implications of a guy who looks like an evil hobo? Sure, Chick's demons always seem like they'd be pretty ineffectual, but this forges new trails of half-assedness. Finally, I'm kind of hung up on this "euphoria" business. I suppose this was considered necessary because otherwise, there's NO way he'd refuse the medicine and also because it represents the human pride of jerks like me and you (most likely) who refuse to be converted, but really--does this tract wish to say that salvation is contingent on having first behaved in this manner? I kinda doubt it.

The real question that comes out of this, though, kind of gets to the heart of the matter: does ChickCo genuinely believe that "I should accept Jesus so I don't go to hell" is as similarly self-evident a proposition as "I should take this medicine so I don't die of ebola?" Really? 'Cause in that case, they would seem to believe that the great majority of people in the world are either insane or too stupid to dress themselves, and they might as well just close up shop, since converting such people is clearly a lost cause.

Also, I'm pretty sure ebola doesn't come from spider bites. But that's the least of the problems here.

New Chick Tract!

Here. There's nothing all THAT special about it, but I think it has a kind of low-key charm. I really dig all the little demons coming and going every whichway, and I LOVE the demon with reading glasses towards the end.

Other observations:

"People who think [America] is there [in the Bible] are only guessing!" Then, three panels later, we're directed to Bible verses that allegedly talk about the United Nations. Huh.

Is this the first mention of the rapture in a Chick tract? I think ChickCo is a little late trying to jump on the Left Behind bandwagon.

How come evangelicals NEVER give me Chick tracts, dammit? I CONSTANTLY get these lame little text-only things about how I need to accept Jesus to avoid hell, but NEVER the real deal. How the hell am I supposed to escape damnation like this?

Jack Chick vs. Dinosaurs!

We've all been waiting a long time for this day, even if we didn't quite know it. The later part of the tract, which just goes on about the usual Bible story/accept Jesus business, is pretty formulaic, but the first part is pure fucking GOLD, featuring anthropomorphic dinosaurs and the best extinction theory EVAH--plus such phun phacts as "in 1841 [dragons] were renamed 'dinosaurs!'"

This isn't quite on the same level as Fairy Tales, I'll grant you, but it still ranks as a latter-day classic. Is ChickCo having a creative renaissance?

Incredible New Chick Tract!

When my brother wrote to give me a heads-up about the new Chick tract, he alleged that it was "possibly the greatest one ever." Naturally, I was skeptical--that's a pretty high bar to clear. To achieve that level of greatness, I thought, it would have to feature Pirate Grandpa battling Muslim ninjas atop an exploding zeppelin--high above the streets of Neo-Tokyo! But I'm a big enough man to admit it: I was wrong. I know I usually try to provide some sort of commentary on these things, but in this case I feel like there's nothing I say. This tract is so awesome as to defy commentary. Just read it.

New Chick Tract!

Heart Trouble. I have to say, this is a pretty badass tract. There are many things about it that I appreciate.

First, I love how absolutely delighted the doctor looks, in the third and fourth panels, to be telling his patient ("John") about the grim ineluctability of death. Especially in the forth panel, with his arms crossed--boy, is he glad to be doing this! He obviously really gets a kick out of scaring patients shitless. Love your work!

Also: "inside each heart is adultery, causing people to cheat on their spouses." A novel theory of evolutionary psychology, to be sure! Where did this guy get his medical degree?

I am also extremely fond of John in the panel where he's imagining himself holding a pair of guns, and due to the artist's imperfect grasp of perspective, it looks as though he's a really tiny little guy facing a pair of giants. And goddamn! That look on his face as he's admitting to having told lies is just about the funniest thing ever seen in a Chick tract.

"Blasphemy." "Is that a medical term?" And at first you think John's being sarcastic here--that's a medical term, is it, doc? How 'bout sticking to my actual physical condition here? But then you realize this is Chick World, where almost everybody is comically ignorant of the religion practiced by eighty percent of their fellow Americans. This is confirmed by "Jesus? Isn't that a swear word?" Ya know...if Chick Industries can point to ONE SINGLE AMERICAN who is totally unfamiliar with Jesus...well, then apparently I'll have fallen into Chick World myself. That'd be kind of scary.

Other things I like: the way John starts randomly fulminating about how unspecified people should "be slaughtered." A sure sign of a non-Christian, no doubt! The totally random guy who appears outside the consulting room in one single solitary panel, wearing a shirt depicting a dog labeled "Fang." It's the little things. The alleged commercials for all-purpose anti-STD pills. How come I never see these? And how come we're back to conflating moral and physical issues? And of course the ferocious-looking Evil Heart making "grrr" noises. Don't fuck with that guy.

Finally, we have John going "Then I'm a dead duck...right?" To which we all, inevitably, respond "SPITTING OUT PIECES OF HIS BROKEN LUCK!"

All in all, one of Chick's finest efforts in a long time.

New Chick Tract

Yargh! This isn't the first Masonry tract we've seen, but it does address an important concern that the others don't: forty percent off on lumber! I'm not sure quite how that works (do you have to show a card?), but still: pretty sweet. Eternal salvation is great and all, but I don't know if I'd be able to pass up the cheap wood, man.

Is Jack Chick getting mellow in his old age?

I find this new tract extremely interesting because of how mild it seems (also, because of the artwork's crudity, but that's neither here nor there). Sure, Betsy gets saved and all, but the mean kids neither get saved nor explicitly rejected savedness. Miss Johnson's "you don't have to do spells to get good grades" seems more like a mild injunction against a largely inconsequential social ill ("you don't need to use bad words to have a good time") than anything fire-and-brimstoney. And then "don't do witchcraft...do your homework!" seems like it's trying to take things out on a humorous note. There's no indication that the children's efforts at magic were actually abetted by satanic forces, or, indeed, that they were anything other than a childish prank, for which a simple rebuke is enough to absolve them. In the old days, they would have succeeded in summmoning Satan, who would have murdered the shit out of them. Betsy would only have been saved by her faith. Maybe I'm just getting soft, but I think I prefer the kinder, gentler Jack Chick. Though I imagine the old one will be back with a vengeance soon enough.

Chick Tract amusement

Oh boy, a new one. Nothing all THAT thrilling; you pretty much know where THIS is going to end up from the sixth panel. But seriously, Jack my man, don't you think the whole "help help I'm being oppressed" thing is just getting a LITTLE silly? Tell you what, dude: show me ONE example--just ONE--of a public school where kids "can't say 'Thanksgiving'"--and I will immediately convert to your particular brand of religious psychosis. And anyway, shouldn't Christmas be "our most honored day?" Isn't this slightly blasphemous?

Things I like: the kid with the "Don't trust anyone over 13" t-shirt. The fact that Jesus looks like some sort of bog monster. "We're dead meat." "All parties cancelled due to fire."

And...that's about it.