Monday, September 26, 2011

Man can kill and man can drink and man can take a whore

You may have seen these miller lite commercials--certainly you have if you watch football and foolishly don't mute the commercials. They always involve some dude's asshole friends upbraiding him for bringing Generic-Brand Beer instead of the clearly much more awesomer miller lite. "That's the second unmanly thing you've done today," they say, and then there's a flashback to him doing some exaggerated thing that is deemed overly feminine or possibly gay.

I'm not disturbed by the ludicrous assertion that miller lite has "more taste;" that's just de rigueur. What does bother me is that I don't think I've ever seen another set of commercials that's quite so nakedly aimed at huge douchebags and no one else, and furthermore was also quite clearly made by huge douchebags.

Hey, it's a sizable demographic, no doubt. It doesn't stop me from wanting to inflict violence on the people who thought it was a good idea, though. You could say the fact that they did is just a side effect of late capitalism than one of its main depredations, but it all goes together, I think: the fact that we normalize this sort of behavior probably makes us more likely to be okay--or at least, not not-okay enough to roll out the guillotines--with bankers looting the country and whatnot.

Still, it is useful in a diagnostic sense: when watching these commercials, do you:

A. Laugh
B. Want, to whatever degree, to drink miller lite
C. Shout, "fuck you, faggot--bud lite is way better!?"

If you answered "yes" to any of these, then--and I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this--there is a ninety percent chance that you are, in fact, a huge douchebag. I would try to come up with some helpful advice for you, but if you qualify here, you're obviously not gonna be looking for advice. You'll be composing a dubiously-spelt message questioning my masculinity and/or asserting that you could beat me in a fistfight. It's a conundrum to which medical science, thusfar, has no answer.


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