Fetal Opinion Columnists

If for whatever idiotic reason you've been following these things, you'll know that the right has this weird propensity for elevating extremely young opinion columnists to the national stage: the loathsome Ben Shapiro (seventeen when discovered), Kyle Williams (twelve--and sixteen or thereabouts when he voluntarily withdrew after realizing that he was being used and that his opinions might not be fully-formed. Very admirable, actually), and Jonathan Krohn (thirteen). Why? I suspect it's part of a desperate effort by right-wingers to subsume that persistent, gnawing feeling that demography is against them. Maybe it's also an unconscious effort to mimic those Geico commercials ("Wingnuttery: So easy, a fifth grader could do it").

The latest right-wing version of Samuel Johnson's dog-walking-on-its-hind-legs is eleven-year-old Sam Besserman. Two problems: one, all of the anecdotes about the poor lad's alleged preschool indoctrination are obviously fabrications; and two, this was not written by an eleven-year-old. You could more or less believe that Williams' columns were written by a precocious tween, but here--not so much. The least-dishonest-case scenario is that the kid wrote something that was then edited to within an inch of its life by an older wingnut.

How does a precocious eleven-year-old write? Well, not to tout my own horn (as my old business teacher liked to say), but I think I was in the upper percentile of writers at the time. And I wrote like this:

Once upon a time there was an evil king named Klunkez. He ruled the Empire of Eggs. He also loved to go bowling but thought that the tickets were to expensive, so being an evil king, one night he tried to steal them. Unfortunately, they escaped from the box in which he had trapped them, and now they were running loose all over the kingdom.

The king had a henchman named Sir Lagalong. He was very clumsy and not to bright either.

Now, in the corner of the realm, there lived an old mermaid named Martha. She was the only mermaid in the kingdom, because the king didn’t like merpeople and would kill them on sight. Martha had survived for two reasons: firstly, she was an accomplished spellcaster, and secondly she had a cute little pet dragon named Chipper. He was about the size of a housecat, and his scales were sparkling black in color. He was very loyal to Martha and had saved her life on several occasions. King Klunkez detested him. His very favorite food was bowling alley tickets, and he was very, very, very good at catching them.

One day, the king was fretting about how hard it was to catch bowling alley tickets, when suddenly he thought of a plan.

He called for Sir Lagalong. When the knight got there, Klunkez ordered him to capter Chipper to get him bowling alley tickets.

Sir Lagalong put on his armor, which was two sizes too big for him, and set out.

After a while, he came to a field, where he found Chipper in the process of hunting a bowling alley ticket. Sir Lagalong snuck up behind Chipper and lassoed him around the neck.

The walk back to the castle was a knightmare for Sir Lagalong (Get it?). Chipper was struggling at the leash and singeing him with small spurts of flame. Eventually, the dragon quieted down and the knight began to relax. Suddenly, Chipper hit him with a huge burst of fire, and Sir Lagalong let go of the leash, ran and ran until he came to a duck pond, and hurled himself in.

Meanwhile, Chipper began to search for dinner as he had not finished his previous repast. Suddenly, two huge, mutated bowling alley tickets leapt out of the underbrush and started chasing him. Chipper spred his wings and took flight, with the tickets close behind him. He flew over the castle, and the tickets trampled over it, raizing it, as Chipper watched in glee. He then turned and spit a bit of fame at the tickets, incinerating them.

The tickets were the best he’d ever tasted.

Whereas THIS young hero, we are to believe, writes like THIS:

When I switched schools in 2nd grade, I suddenly found myself surrounded by bleeding-heart liberals. We were taught that minorities were victims and therefore good, and members of the majority were, by inference, bad. Similarly, we learned that America was the big, bad exploiter, and the countries my parents grew up believing were evil were not so bad after all. I asked my father about these issues practically every night, and he taught me the meaning of moral relativism. I thought he was being too kind, and I characterized it, instead, as moral inversion.

Believable! And if an eleven-year-old WAS somehow writing in this fashion, he really ought to be prostrating himself before the mind-bogglingly great teachers he must have had, rather than whining about them in so unbecoming a manner.

Fin

Man, the creative energies are not currently here. Fortunately, I can get some mileage out of things written when I was ten-ish, even if I'm the only one who finds them even remotely amusing. Like the final chapter in the awe-inspiring series that also includes "End" and "Saber, Divine Healer, and Hypnoso!" Yes!

One, there was a man named Gyeymaaace who lived alone by the ocean, ten miles from the nearest village. He was very old because he was favored by End, the death god, who before he was born had said he would live seven hundred years. Gyeymaaace had always wished to see him. One day he built a ship and decided to sail to Guinea over a year away. In Guinea he penetrated the rain forest and came to the jungle where he found the death vine and descended through the earth to End’s kingdom. In End’s kingdom, Cheeisfate, he walked until he came to End’s hut where he demanded to see End. A guard left the room. When he came back, he said End would see him when the full moon was shining over the death vine. Late that night Gyeymaaace went out and saw the death vine. It was a full moon. Gyeymaaace entered End’s hut where End was waiting for him. “What do you desire,” End asked, “that you risk the perils of death to see me?”

“What perils?” Gyeymaaace inquired, surprised.

“The comewin’s death,” End replied. “They have the heads of bulls and the poison of the deadliest snakes to kill every living thing.”

“I saw none,” replied Gyeymaaace. “’Tis that accursed Lifaaryoviek,” End said angrily, “always bribing the comewin’s death so they do not hinder the living who enter my realm. But now the night is almost gone and you must leave.”

At the top of the death vine Lifaaryoviek was waiting for him. She was very angry. “You have entered End’s realm without consulting me,” she said. You must die. But Gyeymaaace was not worried for End had said we would live seven hundred years, and he was not yet a century. So he said, “I will not die willingly, but if I must go I will go. However, I will only die if you can win me in three games of chess. Now Lifaaryoviek was good in chess but Rio-Liedeath was better and when End saw this he told Rio-Liedeath to control Gyeymaaace’s moves so he would not lose. When Lifaaryoviek had agreed to the games, Gyeymaaace said, “but if you lose, Lifaaryo, you will swear to no longer hinder End.”

So the games began. In the beginning, it seemed as if Lifaaryoviek would win, but, as the games got underway, Lifaaryoviek was losing more and more men and Gyeymaaace had not lost half of his and Lifaaryoviek began to get angry. “I have lost this,” she said, “but I will win the next.” But soon enough she did lose the second and the third and Gyeymaaace came home triumphant. The next full moon, End appeared and said, “you have stopped the living from entering my realm. What do you wish?”

Gyeyaaamace did not know what to reply but in a minute he said, “I have always wished to become a god.”

“A good wish, said End, “but what would your power be?”

Gyeymaaace thought a minute. “I have always loved the sea,” he said, “and it is now unowned, but it is being fought over immensely. Is the sea possible?”

End thought. “Yes,” he said, “it is if you follow my instructions exactly.”

“I will,” said Gyeymaaace. “What shall I do?”

“Take your ship to the south of the world,” he said, “and find a cross in red.stab it with a wet knife and the sea shall be yours.

So, once again, Gyeymaaace sailed. And after many hard years on the sea his water ran out and he had to use what the ocean offered. But eventually he came to the south of the earth and found a cross of crimson upon the snow. He took his knife, dipped it in the sea, and stabbed the middle of the cross. At once, his ship became a dolphin, symbol of the sea, and felt the power he had long imagined—the power of a god! Gyeymaaace’s name was changed to Fin, for Gyeymaaace means “long lived land” for he was born in Venezuela, the oldest place in the world, but his name should not represent the land for he was god of the sea.

Saber, Divine Healer, and Hypnoso

by: GeoX
age: 10

Nothing I could possibly say would prepare you for the sheer, howling madness of this, my magnum opus.

An old man was sitting outside his hut, gazing at the sky. A guard walked up to the hut.

“Aragon?” You’re wanted by the Czar.”

Aragon turned; “Hua why?”

“You know perfectly well why!” the guard answered grimly. “You know you killed the czars son in a fire last night.”

Aragon leapt from his seat. “Murdered Raldro!!!!!!???? I never…”

“Come on,” the guard said.

At the Czar’s hut, a servant showed Aragon to where the Czar was sitting, wild with remorse (or at least what looked like remorse)!

“You have been accused of killing my son” the Czar stated. “As he lay dying all he said was to kill you.” Aragon made a strong protest, but the Czar intervened by saying: “Well if it wasn’t you then who was it?”

“I would not put it past you my Lord.”

“ME!?!?!?! Insolent fiend; throw him in the volcano!” And then as an afterthought, “At once!”

The Czar knew full well that Aragon know that he, the Czar, had murdered Kaldro.

That climb up the volcano was quite treacherous, as there was nothing except the bare rock face, and it was so steep that one of the guards fell and was killed instantly. At the top, Aragon screamed his final words. “I am innocent; the Czar hath mur”--- What he would have said next is unknown as, at that point, a guard pushed him into the volcano with a spear.

When Aragon’s son, Cabillabong (a sorcerer), heard of his father’s death, he raged around his hut, ransacking it. Suddenly he stopped, realizing that this anger would get him nowhere. “With my power,” he thought, “I could easily bring my father back.”

Most of the things required were quite readily found. The tongue of a single-fanged sabertooth caused some problems, but, for the most part, it was quite simple. For the most part! There was just one ingredient that troubled him. That was a sprig of ontra.

Ontra was an extinct type of tree. There is only one sprig of the stuff in existence, and that is in the crown of the Czar of Knowalastani, an isolated island in the middle of the Caribbean Sea. A major flaw sopped most people from getting there: This island has in no specific spot; instead of just sitting there like most islands, it floated all over the Caribbean!!!!!!!!!!

Cabillabong decided to sail to Cuba to sea Akua, the famout Soothsayer who generally knew the location of things like Knowalastani. The trouble with that was that he had nothing to pay for a fair, and he did not want to serve as a deckhand. That was hard work, and Cabillabong detested work of any kind. In the end, he decided to hunt until he caught enough with which to pay his fair. He dug a pit in front of his hut. Then he put a huge pile of grass all along the path th where a herd of elephants were browsing. Then he rode a donkey named Carter to where the elephants were browsing, and stabbed a huge bull named Ford. Cabillabong jumped off Carter’s back, into the grass pile and the latter ran back toward Cabillabong’s hut like the wind, hotly pursued by Ford.

When Carter reached the pit, he dodged to one side, but elephants are not as agile as donkeys, and Ford went charging into the trap. A few minutes later, Cabillabong walked up and saw the prostrated form of Ford lying in the pit. He yelled “YAY DEMOCRATS!!!!! Good work, Carter.” And he patted his faithful doneky on the head.

Cabillabong took Ford’s tusks (Ford, by the way, was now dead) to an ivory-smith, who forged them into two swords. Cabillabong then took them to his cave, on the slope of Mt. Kenya, where he performed all his sorcery, and immerced one of them in a strange, greenish-brown ooze, muttering incantations, and melting small [?] over a fire. This process went on for twelve nights and days; Cabillabong eating nothing all the while.

At the end of the twelfth night, as the clock struck midnight, Cabillabong screamed, “Moren ontra sota!” And he pulled the gleaming blade from the ooze. Then he fained from lack of food.

The next morning, Cabillabong ate about two and a half pounds of salted elephant which, though not so great-tasting, tasted to Cabillabong like something the Czar would only long for. As you know, he had not eaten for twelve days, so he could have eaten a moldy yam…and relished it.

When his hunger was satisfied, Cabillabong tested his new sword. It worked. It could cut through an old bronze spearhead like water, and I mean literally!!!!!!! Then he took the sword he had not “mutated” to the dock where the Cuba-bound ship, the Piranha, was. The Captain was talking to an old, mean-looking man.

“Yah know Orclave, piratin’ ain’t what it used to be. Most o’ these ships sailin’ nowadays are so heavily armed…plus, most of ‘em are carryin’ Quatellaguese warriors who want to fight in the Quatell-Chemno Li wars.”

“Patriotic young soulds though, ain’t they?” The other laughed. “Well Gualla, I’ve totally given up the piratin’ game. Honest folks have it better. I’ve seen that all over ‘ey’ve got such luxuries as ivory weapons. Oh how I long to wield an ivory sword.”

Orclave sighed. “But I’m afraid that day will never be. Well, I’ll still make out ferryin’ people across the sea, for values such as food and weapons. But oh how I wish I could someday wield a sword of ivory.

“You’re in luck,” breathed Cabillabong. “That day will be today.”

When the first man had left, Cabillabong came out of the bushes and said toe Orclave, “Look here sir. I overheard you saying you’d be chargin’ to ferry people across the sea. Well I’m not too rich, but I’ve got this here ivory sword and it’s yours if you’ll just take me over to Cuba and back.”

“Done!” Orclave said quickly. “Be back here at two o’clock sharp. We’ll have to leave if you’re late.”

At two o’clock, Cabillabong walked to the pier with the things he was taking: both his swords, Carter (for it was customary for Cuban gentlemen to ride donkeys at that time), a large flask of lemon juice, some money, a little salted elephant (just in case), and a hunting knife.

The first week at sea quite uneventful, with a fair wind and a calm sea, but then a great calm came, which greatly agitated Orclave. “This weather can only mean a storm,” he said, pacing the deck and looking at the sky.

A few days later, Orclave’s predictions proved true. Cabillabong was riding Carter along the deck, when all of a sudden a huge wave smashed across the deck, and knocked Cabillabong off Carter, and the pair of them were swept into the sea. Then came a nightmare. He fell unconscious and he saw End approaching him. He ran but did not leave where he was standing! End enveloped him. He screamed.

Cabillabong looked up. A woman was standing over him. She forced a foul-tasting “medicine” down his throat. In the half-conscious state he was in, he forgot that he had been immunized to the rotting death, which was what she was obviously trying to infect him with. Then she left the tent.

For seven days and seven nights Cabillabong lay near to death. At last, after the seventh night, he crawled around, looking for food. He readily found a stream and drank gratefully, but he was in need of more than just water. Cabillabong was showing signs of scurvy!!!!!

Cabillabong looked around and saw an orange tree. He shook it and ate of the fruit that fell from the branches. His next thought was escape. He had no way of knowing that he was already on Knowalastani.!!!!!!!

He was unaware, that is, until he saw some men carrying a canoe, and one of them was wearing a crown of ontra on his head!!!!!!!! Cabillabong drew his ivory sword (which he had had around his waist all this time), killed all the men, and took the crown of ontra. Then, he dug three huge holes with the canoe paddles. The holes were so deep that they went right into the sea below Knowalastani (which is why you’ve never heard of the place). Cabillabong put the canoe on the holes, and when Knowalastani had sunk sufficiently, he rowed back home. The voyage took a long time but was quite uneventful.

When Cabillabong got to the dock he immediately ran to his hut and mixed a spring of ontra in the concoction to bring Aragon back from the dead. Then he drank it.

Suddenly Cabillabong heard his father’s voice. “Thou hast wasted thou good time making that stuff. I shall never return in this life.” Then there was silence.

Cabillabong screamed with frustration. “If I cannot bring your back to life then I shall kill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He then mixed together the most deadly thing that there was. It’s quite simple: the liver of a rabid bad boiled in grapefruit juice. Now the death from the poison was spreading the countryside!!!!!

End, the Czar of Death, was getting worried. Too many people were dying for comfort. There were so many souls in his realm, that there was hardly room for himself (death), Rio-Liedeath (reincarnation), Liefariovieck (life), and several other minor gods and goddesses.

End looked for Rio-Liedeath and found him playing chess with Leafrome, a minor goddess of murder. End called up to him “RIO!”

Rio-Liedeath looked up. “Huh? What is it?”

“Well, here’s what I want you to do.”

Rio-Liedeath walked up to the death vine and addressed Aragon, who was just preparing to climb it. “You, hey you with the burn marks.” Aragon turned.

“What is it milord?”

“How would you like to be a god?” Rio-Liedeath queried.

“Me milord? Well, I never really thought about it, but I guess it would be fun.”

“Then you’re in luck. You’re going to be a god…a god of healing. First, you must kill a man who is poisoning the countryside. You will find him at…”

A few minutes later, Aragon was walking toward Cabillabong’s village. When he got there, it was pitch black. He ran toward Cabillabong’s house, eager to do the deed and be done with it. At Cabillabong’s house, Aragon saw the former sleeping by the kettle with the poison in it. He tipped it over Cabillabong’s head, killing him instantly.

Back at End’s realm, Onove, End greeted Aragon as Saber, “And your son, whom you have killed, is now Hypnoso, god of hypnosis.”

A Tragedy: Sentansensia

by: GeoX
age: 9

(The truth is, it's only a "tragedy" because I got bored with it and decided to cut it short by murdering the protagonist. The place names are all real: I had a Rand-McNally atlas and was not afraid to use it.)

A tragedy
Sentansanesia

Syen-fay sat restlessly beside the Kapuas River. This is worse than Thailand he thought. I always thought Borneo was filled with jungles and tropical rivers but this—Kazawa or whatever it’s called—is about as tropical as the Nmai. I wanna go back to Gawai.

Suddenly thunder sounded and Syen-fay’s mother called him. When he came she said “I’m taking a walk, you start the Odyssey. When she had left Syen threw the Odyssey into the fire. “May the same fate befall every epic” he said.

He went outside and jumped into the Kapuas for a swim.

Suddenly he was going down until he touched ground. In front of him there were three signs: nouns, pronouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs, and beside each one was a doorway.

Weird place he thought but went into verbs. Inside there were three signs: action verbs, linking verbs, and helping verbs. Syen chose helping. Inside it looked more like a corn field than anything else. Syen wished he had brought his book Parts of Speech (even though it was written espanol since he had brought it in Madrid).

Then he came to a windy woods, in the middle of which was a large river. Not wanting to sink again Syen threw a rock in and it floated very well. If it’ll hold a rock it’ll hold me Syen reasoned. But his reasoning was wrong. Why? The rock was microscopic!

His very last words were, “what the he—ugh bgue [last word illegible]!”

Hydro: A Deadly Killer

by GeoX, age ten

Introduction

Hello, my name is Hyasynth and I’m the star reporter for the Wet Gazette, and this is the story of probably the most famous Hydra in all history.

1. Leaper

Once upon a time, there was a huge salmon, who would eat as soon as look at you, who lived in a cave, under a large pile of rocks in a river populated by thousands of Hydras. He was tremendously old, and had been around at least four years old. Every year, everyone prayed that he’d never be back, and every year their prayers were left unanswered. The reason they hated him, was that he ate a minimum of triple his weight in hydras each day. He must have weighed 25 pounds, and a hydra weighs only about a quarter ounce! He was called Leaper, because he was known to leap three waterfalls at a time and reach the top in five minues!

2. Hydro

There is not a lot to say about the main character of the story. He is a small hydra who’s name was Hydro and was quite strong. He desperately hated Leaper and often dreamed of slaying him, and when he awoke, he laughed at the thought that he could slay Leaper. “I sure wish that dream would come true!”

3. Total madness

Hydro just about hit the ceiling when he learned that his only son, Hydronious had been eaten by Leaper. He began screaming for the salmon’s blood. Hydronious’s friend Hyde [Hydo?], said that he would be mad to try to kill any salmon let alone Leaper.

But Hydro, maddened by the loss of his son, rushed out the door.

4. the trip

Hydro leaped on a leaf, and began his trip. When he got hungry, he zapped a mosquito hovering above the water, and ate it.

In the morning he continued on. Several days later, he stood at the foot of the cave inside which, he would meet his death, or Leaper his!

5. The Battle

Hydro entered the cave and quickly shot a thread into Leaper, but the fish didn’t even move. Then, Hydro shot his dullest thread into Leaper which aroused the fish. Hydro zipped towards a sharp rock protruding from the wall with the fish after him, and just as he was about to collide, ducked down, but Leaper, unable to stop, fell to the ground, dead.

6. Victory

Back in Hyville, a few days later, Hydro screamed the news all over. Everyone laughed, but the king sent a messenger down to see. When the messenger returned, he stammered out Leap-er is-s-s d-dd-dead!

Conclusion

So that is the story of the most famous Hydra ever.

the kracin

by: GeoX
age: ~7

one day a vicing came home reporting to have sene a strang montstre that Had allmot swolod his ship the crechre was abawt 8 and a half mils long it Had a ovol shapd hede and 8 long tentocols it was—well showted the ledre wiy did didint You kill it I—Just then the iland was gone

(note how the misspellings almost make it look like Middle English)

Seriously, I could do this all day.

by: GeoX
age: 10

Once, there was a Japanese duck named Quackalathtor, whose father had been killed fighting in the battle of Iwo Jima. Quackalathtor determined to take revenge. He also had a top secret message that had to get to he and his friend’s hideout in Borneo by morning. He brought a ship the ALBATROSS, and set out for Borneo.

On the way, a giant typhoon started and the ship sank. In desperation, he corked it up in a bottle and flung it into the sea, praying that it would to his teammate in Borneo, Quacan. Then he struck out for the Philippines which were not more than a day’s journey away.

In the Philippines he brought a new ship and headed for Mexico City. He made a plan to find out who had killed his father. He got everyone’s handprint by will or force.

Then he made a palmist read them until he had found the right killer.

Meanwhile Quacan had found and read the message. This is what it said,

Come to mexico
city at once. I
need you
Quackalathtor

Quacan rented a boat and sailed to mexico city and found Quackalathtor in a hotel.

First, Quackalathtor murdered the man who had killed his father then he jumped into a taxi. Then he pulled out an eggbeater and said “to the nearest spaceport or i fire.

Just before Quackalathtor got out he gave some whispered instructions to Quacan then he hot-wired a rocket. But before he took off he fired a last defiant beater at a policeman who swore to get revenge. Meanwhile Quacan disguised himself as a man and went to enter an organization that caught burglars, pickpockets, etc. When he had passed the entry he said he knew where Quackalathtor was, and he said he thought Quackalathtor had hidden on Ceres.

One Ceres Quacan said he’d look on the southern side and the others would look on the northern side.

Quacan quietly found Quackalathtor and flew away towing the other ship behind them and at last Quackalathtor was content!!!!!

THE END

The Final Battle

by: GeoX
age: 9

The Final Battle

“Finally, the throne is mine!” laughed Averoxien as he approached Xurnox, the capital of Planet X.

When he came to the light ring, he entered without hesitation, and found himself in the throne room where he found his agent, Borox, waiting for him.

“There’s a sixty million dollar jackpot waiting for you when you get back,” said Averoxien.

“Yea?” asked Borox from where’s? [last two words illegible]

“Destroying Mercury,” commanded Averoxien, “and bomb Earth while you’re at it!”

So, that night Borox and Auv set off for Mercury. Suddenly an explosion ripped the air, and turning Borox saw the AFJROV president accompanied by Avpone. Auv shot a fireball but missed and the fireball glanced back and hit Borox’s rocket, killing Auv.

Then Borox learned over the radio that Averoxien had been killed by a Saturnese spy. Then he flew back to both planets to which he had been assigned, bombed them, and flew back to Planet X, only to find that he was new Emperor.

The End

note: Auv looks so odd because radioactive mutancies occur except when wearing a certain type of cloth only worn by Borox

A play in one act

by: GeoX
age: ~7

Saber tooth: that Dier wolf thinks HE can kill ME well he’ll be sorry

Dier wolf: SO you think your so smart old big jaws well we’ll just see

Saber tooth: help

Gliptodnt: I wont

Saber tooth: wy not

Gliptodont: I hate you I like Dier wolf WAM!!!

Dier wold: thanks for killing fangs

Gliptodnt: the end

(for the extinct-mammal-impaired: glyptodont)

The Artrier System

by: GeoX
age: 9

I know of a planet system called Artrier. This system has no star.

The third smallest planet in this system is Moeterm. Its life is bigger and less advanced than bacteria. Because of this fact people think this planet is the youngest in the system.

Anteril is the largest planet in Artrier. No life has been discovered on it, but fossils have been found on it. People think since it is the hottest planet when it got hot the all water evaporate.

Orp is the planet with the most advanced life. It is the only planet that gets smaller. It is made entirely of water. Gravity pushes in hard and squirts out drops of water.

Esconer is one of the three planets without life, though it is very swampy. Things could live on it, but they don’t. Maybe this is because of the intense heat.

Acetwip has hardly any life and is very rocky and barren with just a few tough trees. These are the only things that have been discovered.

The biggest planet is Blinis. Lifeforms there are only about half an inch long. No bacteria or protozoans live on this planet.

Ingopticks is the most rainy planet in Artrier, and only mushrooms and moss live on it. No rocks are on it and are on it, and no animals live there. In spite of its wetness the only source of water is rain.

Orantor is almost entirely desert. There is only one small oasis about a mile long. But in this oasis life thrives. The living things include coyotes, baboons, warthogs, etc.

Idodor has no life and is very cold. It usually is about a zillion zillion below zero. It usually has no life except when ice falcons from the planet Chiteelith come for a visit.

Actolite has the most advanced life in Artrier aside from that on Orp. Its soil and atmosphere are rich in all elements except hydrogen and methane.

The last planet in Artier, Chiteelith, can control the other planets and their inhabitants. It is very fertile and lots of plants and animals live on it. It does not, however, let people live on it.

Ed: An Epic Poem in Two Parts

...by yours truly. I think they have a kind of insouciant charm.

The Tragic Saga of Ed

There was a lad whose name was Ed.
“You will worship me,” he said.
“But why?” the people asked in fear.
“Because I'm cool—now listen here,
If you neglect to worship me,
I shall squash you like a bee.”

Although young Ed was very small,
He didn't like his life at all,
And so he wanted to be king,
For then his heart would surely sing.
But tragically it did not work.
The people eyed him with a smirk.

“You are so small, and worthless, too,
Whyever should we worship you?”
“Because,” said Ed, “I have a gun,
And I will shoot you if you run.”
“Why would we run?” they said, “Ho ho,
Your life is worthless, don't you know?”

“No,” said Ed, “that is a lie,
And now you must prepare to die..”
He shot his gun and people fell,
And sometimes cats and dogs as well.
“Oh dear oh dear,” he said at last,
“There's no one left to rule now—blast!”

The Further Adventures of Ed in Hyperspace

Now that everyone was dead,
Ed dropped his gun and ran and fled.
He ran and ran and ran and ran,
But said, “I'm getting nowhere, man!”
Finally, it all came clear
(after drinking lots of beer).

“No one's left on Earth you see,
So I shall roam the galaxy!”
And with those words he built a ship,
With which to make his fateful trip.
With glue and velcro, nails and rocks,
He built a ship in a cardboard box.

Unpacking it, he shrieked with glee,
“Here's the ship that's right for me!”
He then got in and blasted off,
Though all the dust just made him cough.
“Hurrah!” he cried, “I'm on my way!
I will see the stars today!”

His joy, however, was all too brief,
As soon he realized, with grief,
His spaceship had no air per se,
And he'd not live another day.
When he realized that his ship was outmoded,
He lefts its confines and promptly exploded.

More from Joe Deck

Pecan Swirlz Rool

I can't believe what I see—
A bullet hole going through me.
All I did was eat a snack
Of pecan swirls—the last one in the pack.
Pecan swirls are the best,
They're better than donut holes and all the rest.
Little Billy down the street
Likes pecan swirls because they're sweet.
What I did he thought uncool,
He simply said, “pecan swirls rule!”
Bang!

The Man Who Could Not Stand the Rain

There was a man who could not stand the rain.
People thought, “Could he be insane?”
He said, “I simply prefer not the rain.
This simple preference makes me not insane.”

--Joe Deck

Awesome new feature!

Since I got home for break, I've been looking through the old issues of the high school "literary" magazine that I edited my senior year, and I thought it would be amusing to print various things that I, or possibly other people, wrote. This first little ditty makes me laugh because it's so completely whimsical, and because, although I clearly remember Joe Deck, I have no memory whatsoever of writing a poem with him, and I have no idea what the collaborative process might have been like.

Super Universal Cowboy!

Oh the Universal Cowboy,
Or just "UC" for short,
Is the ultimate adventurer,
Or so it's said, old sport.
He rides across the plains,
And charges through the universe,
And when the people see him,
They all say, "he could be worse."
He's got two guns for shooting thugs,
And has a hat for whacking bugs.
Unfortunately he does not have a horse,
But he has a super sonic hippo, of course.
He's faster than a lightning train,
And can't be hurt by acid rain.
Yippee!

--Joe Deck and Geoffrey Moses