Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Saber, Divine Healer, and Hypnoso

by: GeoX
age: 10

Nothing I could possibly say would prepare you for the sheer, howling madness of this, my magnum opus.

An old man was sitting outside his hut, gazing at the sky. A guard walked up to the hut.

“Aragon?” You’re wanted by the Czar.”

Aragon turned; “Hua why?”

“You know perfectly well why!” the guard answered grimly. “You know you killed the czars son in a fire last night.”

Aragon leapt from his seat. “Murdered Raldro!!!!!!???? I never…”

“Come on,” the guard said.

At the Czar’s hut, a servant showed Aragon to where the Czar was sitting, wild with remorse (or at least what looked like remorse)!

“You have been accused of killing my son” the Czar stated. “As he lay dying all he said was to kill you.” Aragon made a strong protest, but the Czar intervened by saying: “Well if it wasn’t you then who was it?”

“I would not put it past you my Lord.”

“ME!?!?!?! Insolent fiend; throw him in the volcano!” And then as an afterthought, “At once!”

The Czar knew full well that Aragon know that he, the Czar, had murdered Kaldro.

That climb up the volcano was quite treacherous, as there was nothing except the bare rock face, and it was so steep that one of the guards fell and was killed instantly. At the top, Aragon screamed his final words. “I am innocent; the Czar hath mur”--- What he would have said next is unknown as, at that point, a guard pushed him into the volcano with a spear.

When Aragon’s son, Cabillabong (a sorcerer), heard of his father’s death, he raged around his hut, ransacking it. Suddenly he stopped, realizing that this anger would get him nowhere. “With my power,” he thought, “I could easily bring my father back.”

Most of the things required were quite readily found. The tongue of a single-fanged sabertooth caused some problems, but, for the most part, it was quite simple. For the most part! There was just one ingredient that troubled him. That was a sprig of ontra.

Ontra was an extinct type of tree. There is only one sprig of the stuff in existence, and that is in the crown of the Czar of Knowalastani, an isolated island in the middle of the Caribbean Sea. A major flaw sopped most people from getting there: This island has in no specific spot; instead of just sitting there like most islands, it floated all over the Caribbean!!!!!!!!!!

Cabillabong decided to sail to Cuba to sea Akua, the famout Soothsayer who generally knew the location of things like Knowalastani. The trouble with that was that he had nothing to pay for a fair, and he did not want to serve as a deckhand. That was hard work, and Cabillabong detested work of any kind. In the end, he decided to hunt until he caught enough with which to pay his fair. He dug a pit in front of his hut. Then he put a huge pile of grass all along the path th where a herd of elephants were browsing. Then he rode a donkey named Carter to where the elephants were browsing, and stabbed a huge bull named Ford. Cabillabong jumped off Carter’s back, into the grass pile and the latter ran back toward Cabillabong’s hut like the wind, hotly pursued by Ford.

When Carter reached the pit, he dodged to one side, but elephants are not as agile as donkeys, and Ford went charging into the trap. A few minutes later, Cabillabong walked up and saw the prostrated form of Ford lying in the pit. He yelled “YAY DEMOCRATS!!!!! Good work, Carter.” And he patted his faithful doneky on the head.

Cabillabong took Ford’s tusks (Ford, by the way, was now dead) to an ivory-smith, who forged them into two swords. Cabillabong then took them to his cave, on the slope of Mt. Kenya, where he performed all his sorcery, and immerced one of them in a strange, greenish-brown ooze, muttering incantations, and melting small [?] over a fire. This process went on for twelve nights and days; Cabillabong eating nothing all the while.

At the end of the twelfth night, as the clock struck midnight, Cabillabong screamed, “Moren ontra sota!” And he pulled the gleaming blade from the ooze. Then he fained from lack of food.

The next morning, Cabillabong ate about two and a half pounds of salted elephant which, though not so great-tasting, tasted to Cabillabong like something the Czar would only long for. As you know, he had not eaten for twelve days, so he could have eaten a moldy yam…and relished it.

When his hunger was satisfied, Cabillabong tested his new sword. It worked. It could cut through an old bronze spearhead like water, and I mean literally!!!!!!! Then he took the sword he had not “mutated” to the dock where the Cuba-bound ship, the Piranha, was. The Captain was talking to an old, mean-looking man.

“Yah know Orclave, piratin’ ain’t what it used to be. Most o’ these ships sailin’ nowadays are so heavily armed…plus, most of ‘em are carryin’ Quatellaguese warriors who want to fight in the Quatell-Chemno Li wars.”

“Patriotic young soulds though, ain’t they?” The other laughed. “Well Gualla, I’ve totally given up the piratin’ game. Honest folks have it better. I’ve seen that all over ‘ey’ve got such luxuries as ivory weapons. Oh how I long to wield an ivory sword.”

Orclave sighed. “But I’m afraid that day will never be. Well, I’ll still make out ferryin’ people across the sea, for values such as food and weapons. But oh how I wish I could someday wield a sword of ivory.

“You’re in luck,” breathed Cabillabong. “That day will be today.”

When the first man had left, Cabillabong came out of the bushes and said toe Orclave, “Look here sir. I overheard you saying you’d be chargin’ to ferry people across the sea. Well I’m not too rich, but I’ve got this here ivory sword and it’s yours if you’ll just take me over to Cuba and back.”

“Done!” Orclave said quickly. “Be back here at two o’clock sharp. We’ll have to leave if you’re late.”

At two o’clock, Cabillabong walked to the pier with the things he was taking: both his swords, Carter (for it was customary for Cuban gentlemen to ride donkeys at that time), a large flask of lemon juice, some money, a little salted elephant (just in case), and a hunting knife.

The first week at sea quite uneventful, with a fair wind and a calm sea, but then a great calm came, which greatly agitated Orclave. “This weather can only mean a storm,” he said, pacing the deck and looking at the sky.

A few days later, Orclave’s predictions proved true. Cabillabong was riding Carter along the deck, when all of a sudden a huge wave smashed across the deck, and knocked Cabillabong off Carter, and the pair of them were swept into the sea. Then came a nightmare. He fell unconscious and he saw End approaching him. He ran but did not leave where he was standing! End enveloped him. He screamed.

Cabillabong looked up. A woman was standing over him. She forced a foul-tasting “medicine” down his throat. In the half-conscious state he was in, he forgot that he had been immunized to the rotting death, which was what she was obviously trying to infect him with. Then she left the tent.

For seven days and seven nights Cabillabong lay near to death. At last, after the seventh night, he crawled around, looking for food. He readily found a stream and drank gratefully, but he was in need of more than just water. Cabillabong was showing signs of scurvy!!!!!

Cabillabong looked around and saw an orange tree. He shook it and ate of the fruit that fell from the branches. His next thought was escape. He had no way of knowing that he was already on Knowalastani.!!!!!!!

He was unaware, that is, until he saw some men carrying a canoe, and one of them was wearing a crown of ontra on his head!!!!!!!! Cabillabong drew his ivory sword (which he had had around his waist all this time), killed all the men, and took the crown of ontra. Then, he dug three huge holes with the canoe paddles. The holes were so deep that they went right into the sea below Knowalastani (which is why you’ve never heard of the place). Cabillabong put the canoe on the holes, and when Knowalastani had sunk sufficiently, he rowed back home. The voyage took a long time but was quite uneventful.

When Cabillabong got to the dock he immediately ran to his hut and mixed a spring of ontra in the concoction to bring Aragon back from the dead. Then he drank it.

Suddenly Cabillabong heard his father’s voice. “Thou hast wasted thou good time making that stuff. I shall never return in this life.” Then there was silence.

Cabillabong screamed with frustration. “If I cannot bring your back to life then I shall kill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He then mixed together the most deadly thing that there was. It’s quite simple: the liver of a rabid bad boiled in grapefruit juice. Now the death from the poison was spreading the countryside!!!!!

End, the Czar of Death, was getting worried. Too many people were dying for comfort. There were so many souls in his realm, that there was hardly room for himself (death), Rio-Liedeath (reincarnation), Liefariovieck (life), and several other minor gods and goddesses.

End looked for Rio-Liedeath and found him playing chess with Leafrome, a minor goddess of murder. End called up to him “RIO!”

Rio-Liedeath looked up. “Huh? What is it?”

“Well, here’s what I want you to do.”

Rio-Liedeath walked up to the death vine and addressed Aragon, who was just preparing to climb it. “You, hey you with the burn marks.” Aragon turned.

“What is it milord?”

“How would you like to be a god?” Rio-Liedeath queried.

“Me milord? Well, I never really thought about it, but I guess it would be fun.”

“Then you’re in luck. You’re going to be a god…a god of healing. First, you must kill a man who is poisoning the countryside. You will find him at…”

A few minutes later, Aragon was walking toward Cabillabong’s village. When he got there, it was pitch black. He ran toward Cabillabong’s house, eager to do the deed and be done with it. At Cabillabong’s house, Aragon saw the former sleeping by the kettle with the poison in it. He tipped it over Cabillabong’s head, killing him instantly.

Back at End’s realm, Onove, End greeted Aragon as Saber, “And your son, whom you have killed, is now Hypnoso, god of hypnosis.”

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous pontificated to the effect that...

Just think - if Tom Waits or Nick Cave recorded a song telling roughly this story, you'd consider it to be a demented masterpiece!

SK

6:35 PM  
Blogger GeoX pontificated to the effect that...

Whoa there--I certainly hope you're not somehow implying that it isn't already a masterpiece. Because that would be an unfortunate misconception indeed.

12:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous pontificated to the effect that...

Of course not -- what I meant to say is that this shows that you are easily the equal of either of those fine gentlemen!

SK

1:42 PM  

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