Ed: An Epic Poem in Two Parts

...by yours truly. I think they have a kind of insouciant charm.

The Tragic Saga of Ed

There was a lad whose name was Ed.
“You will worship me,” he said.
“But why?” the people asked in fear.
“Because I'm cool—now listen here,
If you neglect to worship me,
I shall squash you like a bee.”

Although young Ed was very small,
He didn't like his life at all,
And so he wanted to be king,
For then his heart would surely sing.
But tragically it did not work.
The people eyed him with a smirk.

“You are so small, and worthless, too,
Whyever should we worship you?”
“Because,” said Ed, “I have a gun,
And I will shoot you if you run.”
“Why would we run?” they said, “Ho ho,
Your life is worthless, don't you know?”

“No,” said Ed, “that is a lie,
And now you must prepare to die..”
He shot his gun and people fell,
And sometimes cats and dogs as well.
“Oh dear oh dear,” he said at last,
“There's no one left to rule now—blast!”

The Further Adventures of Ed in Hyperspace

Now that everyone was dead,
Ed dropped his gun and ran and fled.
He ran and ran and ran and ran,
But said, “I'm getting nowhere, man!”
Finally, it all came clear
(after drinking lots of beer).

“No one's left on Earth you see,
So I shall roam the galaxy!”
And with those words he built a ship,
With which to make his fateful trip.
With glue and velcro, nails and rocks,
He built a ship in a cardboard box.

Unpacking it, he shrieked with glee,
“Here's the ship that's right for me!”
He then got in and blasted off,
Though all the dust just made him cough.
“Hurrah!” he cried, “I'm on my way!
I will see the stars today!”

His joy, however, was all too brief,
As soon he realized, with grief,
His spaceship had no air per se,
And he'd not live another day.
When he realized that his ship was outmoded,
He lefts its confines and promptly exploded.